What Should I Do

I feel like I have to be doing something, but I don't know what. It's been a while since I dropped music and English study, and even making Patternflow patterns, I'm doing it with far less care than before. All I'm doing is waiting to get the Crowd Supply payout, order materials, and start building. Isn't there more I could get done ahead of time? I do need to get quotes on packaging and so on.

Maybe because the patterns have less care in them, the reels are visibly underperforming. The good thing is that, even so, there are still people building Patternflow, using it, and sharing it. In particular, a musician named Dmitry shared a case of setting Patternflow into his rig and playing live. I woke up before dawn today and watched it, and it was so cool and fun, and I was jealous. I hope someday I'll have that kind of time and space to enjoy it like that too. If you're curious, it's linked on the Build Map, or you can find it by searching YouTube, so go take a look!

I've put this case into the Patternflow intro video I'm making, too. I think it'll be finished and out by early November or sooner! Since it's a video about my own project, honestly I can't tell how well made it is. It seems fine, and also seems lacking, but a professional planned and produced it, so I don't think the quality is low. Fewer people took part in interviews or shared footage than I expected, which is a shame, but the material from those who did send something is good, which is a relief.

I need to expand Patternflow. There's the merch shop? I'm slowly preparing, but more fundamentally, I'd wanted to expand it to a larger form, to screens. There have been a fair number of requests for that, direct and indirect, and it also looks like the biggest space for me to make money through Patternflow. But whether because it's been months since I last worked on hardware directly, or because thinking about the funding production leaves no spare room in my head, I don't have the confidence to try. When people asked if I could build one if they paid, I said I don't think I can right now.

If I actually did it, I could. But whether I'm not doing it because I'm a bit tired or because there are other things to do, I don't know. A similar kind of opportunity came along, though not exactly that. I've agreed to help make a commemorative sculpture to stand in front of a certain district office during a particular event season. Someone with an established career and standing proposed it, but I don't know exactly what their intention is. It's hard to tell whether they're genuinely being generous or trying to use me. Another mentor said I should be careful, but that at 24, getting used might be a good experience too. What makes it feel a bit off is the moments when they'd offer me an opportunity first and then later ask, so what can you give?

Not long ago I tagged along to some party hosted by the Italian Cultural Institute. I ate my fill of good pizza and fruit, but how should I put it, it was a bit uncanny? In a cramped, very bright white-cube kind of space, lots of quite elderly people and sharply dressed people were shaking hands, greeting, and chatting, and the whole scene felt strange. After the boring presentations, during the networking time everyone crowded at the very front talking busily, and toward the back there were a few young people who looked like they wanted to get in on it.

When I showed Patternflow, people put on fake reactions, saying it was fun. Of the many, only about two showed real interest, and the rest seemed to have their minds elsewhere. After seeing that reaction a few times I felt bad and went straight home. Someone greeted Sangdu, who'd brought me, very warmly and talked like they were super close, and then when I spoke to them separately later, they barely knew his name. They aren't actually that close, and the person uses this one-sided "he really likes me" way of talking, and for a moment it looked really gross. Anyway, it was a truly uncanny time and place.

The Spanish music content creator who asked me to send a Patternflow, saying they'd promote it for free, has read my DM and hasn't replied for a week now. They said more than once that they'd post a video, and a week ago said they'd post it that day… maybe something came up. But in a different sense, it's even more gross. If they kept their promise even now, I'd think it was a misunderstanding and be fine quickly, but their face, their content, their whole account all look fake now.

Because of this, I no longer welcome people who reach out saying they want to review it or make content. I figure they're probably scammers again, and part of me wants to ignore them and block them right away. But thinking there must be some who aren't, I reply with a short explanation and encourage them to build one themselves. Some of them say they'll try building it. Right, that's correct. You shouldn't give things away for free to someone proposing with an agenda. A product made for a fair price, and a gift given without expecting anything back, those two are enough.

Now and then I've also thought about when and how I should wrap up Patternflow, or will. There are quite a few areas I tried to expand into, some I quit maybe because I lost interest, some I think I can't do, some entirely new attempts came along, and I really don't know. One day I lose all my confidence and feel like I can't do it at all, and the next day I feel like I'm at rock bottom so I could do anything. Still, the one thing I want to keep is the two years I promised; I don't want to let go of Patternflow before then. Of course, wanting it doesn't make it so.

I've gone camping with other brand founders, taken someone along to the park I'd only gone to alone for years, and been to all kinds of networking parties. Thanks to that, I've been going out of the house a lot more lately, though I can't tell whether that's good or hard. Alone, or with one other person, is definitely comfortable. Beyond that, there's too much to pay attention to. I definitely need to pay less attention to things, too.