All Jumbled Up

I can't remember the past few days very well. Apart from a few events and moments that left an impression, it all feels tangled up and jumbled. Whether it's lethargy or built-up fatigue catching up with me, I've been sleeping more, and my appetite has dropped noticeably. Still, let me list what I did related to Patternflow.

I installed Patternflow at an exhibition by visually impaired artists called Anbu ("checking in on you"), held at a place called Modu Art Space near Seoul Station. There wasn't much to install, really; I went, hooked up a laptop and speakers, and ran a few connection tests. There was an opening event on Sunday, so I went along. I wanted to get lots of footage of people using Patternflow, but it wasn't easy. Fewer people showed interest in it than I'd thought… it was nice, of course, but it fell short of what I'd hoped. I wasn't happy with the photos and video either, which was disappointing.

The next day, a younger friend from my club was DJing at an LP bar in Hongdae, and I set Patternflow up there and took photos and video. I used a Patternflow with a mic attached so it reacted to sound, and it was the first time I'd used that feature outside my place. Tuning it to the sound was harder than I expected. First you have to be able to tell apart the structure of the sound, second you have to understand the pattern's character and how it changes, and third, building on that, you have to connect them well… it's hard. Hyunji took the photos and video, and thanks to her they came out well. If I'd shot them myself, I might not have used those either.

With the video production, participation was lower than I'd hoped, which was disappointing. Still, I was relieved that Simone and Jon filmed and shared footage. If nobody had sent anything, it would have hit me pretty hard. People who are still building theirs said they'd like to share footage once they can, and for now I've decided to rework the video plan around myself. Whether that'll work, I don't know.

Still, it's nice that people keep building all kinds of Patternflows and sharing them on Discord. I also made a new firmware board at the request of someone named Tommy, and got to see all sorts of use cases there. I'd thought a chit-chat channel was enough, but it seems a more specific place was needed. It won't be easy, but I hope it stays active.

Ah, Patternflow didn't end up being installed at Paris Fashion Week, which I mentioned in the last entry. They say there wasn't time to install it. It's a shame. More than that it feels hollow, and a little embarrassing, I'd say. I'd told my family, close friends, and even the blog, assuming it would be used there, and suddenly I feel like a liar. Not that anyone did anything wrong, of course; that's just how it feels.

I'm at a loss for how to grow Patternflow from here. However I think about it, the best thing would be to work with the music side, learn performance, and do it myself, but I doubt whether I really want to. When it comes to actually doing it, I don't, so I've started to trust myself a bit less on that. I sent one to a studio in the Philadelphia area, and the person there says they'll demo it at something like the Grammy Creator Summit. They're helping actively, like a Patternflow ambassador, which is great, but part of me wonders whether they'll be able to make good use of it. If I could show directly how it's done, that would be ideal, but it isn't easy.

Being at a loss, my mind keeps wandering. Whether related to Patternflow or not, I think about new ideas or ways to make money, but none of it feels very viable. Hm, I don't know. I think about just trying all sorts of things, but in the end I come back to focusing on Patternflow, the thing I've been doing. I should see it through to the end, yeah. Once all the parts I bought arrive, let me try a workshop at the Design Startup Center and try out a few things.

More than anything, I just want to find a place to live soon. The real estate agent keeps telling me to wait, saying the landlord hasn't approved the renovation, but the period they first mentioned has already passed. Now their tone and attitude say that if I'm in a hurry I should just find some other room, and that part is honestly disgusting. Talking as if it can be done, repeating the same thing like their memory's been wiped no matter how many times I go back, making more promises that won't be kept. I'm tired of trusting them by now, but with no other rooms coming up, all I can do is hope it works out. Seriously irritating. Lately I feel my distrust of people growing a bit. Maybe that's why I'm tired.

I've often caught myself thinking I'd like to just go live somewhere quiet with nobody around. The feeling of "doing something" while making things with AI isn't great either. Because I know a result will come, I feel like I'm doing something, and so I can't put my attention elsewhere. Not that there's anything to focus on. It's just waiting, and when you look closely, there's nothing I actually did. It'd be so much better to set the AI running and read a book or work on sound instead, but the feeling of doing something makes it hard to split my attention. It's really not great.