Let's Just Do It

I'm writing the blog for the first time in a week. I moved recently and only got the internet installed yesterday. I meant to write right away, but I just played games. I played games straight through for about 8 hours, from evening until dawn, and when I woke up at lunchtime I didn't feel good. I was really tired, and I thought about just skipping food and lying in bed all day, but things that need doing need doing. I washed my face and went to the school cafeteria. Then I came straight to the startup center, set up a bunch of Patternflows this way and that, and took photos and video.

It's cooler than I expected. Well, for another brand to use it, they'd need a single unit with just a bigger panel, but for me to play with, using several of the current units like this looks good too. What I'd originally prepared is more complicated. I customized the firmware just for this kind of experiment and got a dashboard ready for orchestrating them, so I need to test that, but I haven't yet. The reason, well, I couldn't be bothered. Also, because of someone else's mistake the time got pretty tight, so a big part of it ended up being a bit improvised. But thanks to that, it kind of came out better too.

Later on, just coordinating several of them like I planned and giving off the feel of a really big installation would be fun. Talking about installations a bit, the Christmas tree has more or less gone up in smoke. Well, AI did almost all of it, but I did put in effort and time anyway, so it's a little disappointing. The reason is that it's too small in scale, so it would be compared with the former district mayor's one, and that's no good, or something like that. Considering the budget, maybe it was never going to be that kind of project in the first place. Or maybe it was a way of making me go through the trouble to tame me a little. Well, there's no real need to be suspicious, but… anyway, they say I'll be credited as a co-designer on the recycled version and get paid for it too. The responsibility shrinks by that much, so it's not all bad. It's just a shame.

Was it the day before yesterday, I went to Art Startup Day, an event run by the Korea Arts Management Service. It's an event for holding meetings with all sorts of big companies and drawing out collaborations. I ended up with two, Paradise something-or-other and LG U+. I barely prepared. The move and all… I was pretty worn out one way and another. I didn't bring my laptop or business cards, only Patternflow. Honestly it's fair to say I basically went there to hang out. That was my attitude going in, too.

The two meetings had very different moods. The one with the Paradise side was shaky from the start, to be honest. The moment I arrived at the building, Sangdu called to tell me that's how it went with the Christmas tree, and we had a short call about what to do next. Time was tight, so I wrapped it up quickly, and since I'd also agreed to see the organizers briefly, I took the elevator straight up and introduced Patternflow. That was 3:40, and the first meeting was at 4, so I fired everything about Patternflow at them like a machine gun.

Irritated and rushed one way and another, I walked into a black space laid out like a chicken coop and had the meeting. The space was just… not great. They sit about 20 people down in a big room ahead of time, and when your name is called you go to your assigned seat and have a 20-minute meeting. No partitions, everything open… it was literally a chicken coop. I said hello, and the reply wasn't all that friendly. I asked whether they'd watched the Patternflow video I'd sent as material, and they told me to just introduce it. So like I always do, I gave a short explanation and handed it over for them to turn the knobs themselves.

They said the KAMS people and I both had a really aggressive attitude, that it was off-putting, and gave me a sort of etiquette lesson. In the end they even said things that crossed the line, telling me to fix the way I communicate with people around me. I don't know who they think they are, judging me in less than 20 minutes and saying things like that. Of course, even then I could feel my attitude was aggressive, and where they were right I admitted it and apologized. Anyway, it ended like that, and since there was a bit of a gap before the second meeting, I chewed over what had just happened and decided to change my attitude a little.

As soon as we said hello, they smiled and told me they'd enjoyed the video, and that put me in a really good mood. The overall pace was the same, but the tone was very different. Before, I'd been suspicious and on guard about whether the person in front of me even knew what Patternflow was, or had looked at what I sent, but this time I knew that from the start, so I introduced it happily. The mood was great too, and it drifted toward the idea that it might be good to start something together, as an experiment, at a media space in Gangnam called Ilsang Bi-ilsang-ui Teum. Of course it needs internal review, and naturally it might not happen, but it ended really positive and fun.

Secretly I hoped the person from the first meeting had watched me in the second one. That I took the advice and pulled it off properly, anyway? Or that the problem was you, not me? Both. Wanting to stick it to them, or wanting to say thanks, or wanting to say thanks because that's the bigger way to stick it to them, I don't know, it's complicated. One thing's certain, this isn't the first time something like this has happened. When I gave presentations in the past, there were plenty of moments when I responded aggressively, to an excessive degree. Mostly when the other side judged me based on a conclusion they reached without even trying to understand properly.

Anyway, it was a fun situation, so I called my older brother to tell him about it, and I pretty much got scolded. There's no need to make enemies, it's because I lack social skills, and so on… I do know that. Anyway, I made my own excuses, and the conclusion we ended on was that the situation was bad to begin with, and that the cause was not knowing how precious that opportunity was. That's right. The one I was interested in from the start was that LG U+ space, and I only put in Paradise because there was nowhere else to put. It's also true that I didn't put much effort into even the one I was interested in.

I thought everyone who applied got in, and I went in like I was going to hang out. But someone I know whom I met there said they hadn't been matched with the companies they applied for. And in other people's hands there were laptops and all kinds of materials. They must have prepared a lot.

So if a situation like that comes again, could I actually prepare? I'm not sure. It's less that I don't know how precious the opportunity is, and more that I dislike that kind of situation to begin with. Isn't it better to focus on the things I can do alone than to put effort into something with no guarantee it'll work even if I work hard and prepare? Then people find me on their own, and new, fun things happen, not big ones. Maybe if I keep going like this something big will come too. It might be a slightly arrogant thought. But those thoughts are big for me. How to put it, maybe I just hate walking onto a board they've set up and being judged. Or is this a different area altogether, hmm…

What I felt in the meeting with the organizers too… they don't understand even half of the Patternflow I know. That needs conveying one way or another, but well, I'll think about it when the time comes. I don't remember when the results-sharing session is, but there's probably no need to rush.

The Crowd Supply funding is still stuck. When on earth will they pay out… once they do I can build right away. I just want to get it over with fast. It keeps feeling like it's being pushed back, and I really hate it. I decided to gather a few people around me who helped with Patternflow and buy them a meat dinner. I was going to do it with the money once it's paid out… it kept getting pushed back and annoyed me so much I decided to just pay first. I really hate this kind of situation, where things keep getting pushed back because of someone else.

Somehow this post is filling up with really negative stuff. I've felt it lately, some anger seems to have built up. And yet when someone else actually made a mistake and it made things a hassle for me, why I smiled and said it was fine, I don't know either. These days I'm really confused on a lot of fronts.

I'm really worried about Patternflow too. It's because I think too much. If I do sound, how should I do it. Whether I can even do it, and then why haven't I done it until now. What happened to the things I said I'd do. Whether someone like me even deserves another try, whether I actually just want to throw it all away. Going along like that I keep falling into self-loathing, get listless, and my mood drops to the floor. But this isn't the first time, and once I've hit the very bottom the only way left is up, so it gets better again. Usually it turns on a day like yesterday and today, staying up all night playing games or reading webtoons…

And the test I did of stacking several Patternflows, without much thought, came out pretty well, and I'm happy with it. Rather than thinking like this, I wonder if things will get better again if I just get moving or start something.